I thought it would be useful to write about a panic episode I had which led to me developing panic disorder. Many of you will be able to relate and this may make you feel abit better as you'll know you are not the only one.
My mother and father were on holiday in Turkey and I was on my way back from University as my seminar had been cancelled. I used to find it particulary uncomfortable travelling on public transport but could usually control my anxiety so that it did not result in a panic attack.
I was walking through the city centre towards the bus station when I started to panic about the size of the crowds and remember saying to myself "oh my god there's loads of people here" I dont know why this panicked me, but I began to walk faster. I got to 'Next' and felt the need to run into the female toilets as I felt breathless and panicky. When I got there a wave of panic swept over me and I was literally jumping up and down to release all of the adrenaline I had. I started thinking to myself that I was so panicked I would not be able to get myself out of the bathroom, out of the city centre or even onto a bus and that I was 'stuck' there. Although it seems daft as I sit here in my own home, it was the scariest moment of my life and the thought that my fiance was 200 miles away at his army barraks and my mum and dad were out of the country, scared the absolute life out of me.
In the end I rang 999 crying uncontrollably because I was convinced they were the only people that could help me. They alerted the staff and a kind lady came into the bathroom to talk to me. After half an hour an ambuance man arrived who took my heart rate and tested my breathing to asses whether i was having a panic attack. I told him how i felt and he flatly told me that there was nothing he could give me and that i was the only person who could get myself home as he wasnt a taxi service. As you can imagine this was very traumatic and after giving me the once over in the hospital and telling me the psychiatic nurse 'wasnt there' I reluctantly paid £35 to get a taxi home.
I thought that this would be the end of my day from hell but that night I began to panic again. This time I was acting very strangely. Alone in the house I started to pull out of my hair in pieces and took my clothes off (yes my clothes!) because they were irritating me. I rang my bestfriend who promptly came round to calm me down. She told me she had felt like this and that it was just a big panic attack. This helped me a little because I knew it would have to subside or end at some point. I also rang my mum& dad in Turkey... big mistake.
Although they are very supportive, they began to panic themselves and told me that if i did not calm down they would ring somebody to come round and admit me to a mental health ward. I think this was the most trumatic moment because even though I was the most lost and vulnerable I have ever felt, I also felt alone like I was the only crazy person going and that nobody could help me. The next few days are a blur of which I spent in my mum&dad's bed trembling and crying.
From then on I have come on leaps& bounds. I may not get the bus but I certainly travel and attended my seminars at university, food shopping trips, began doing my driving lessons and started to rent my own house from which I am writihng at the moment. Why the treatment then you ask?
I believe that anxiety and depression are a cycle as suggested by leading psychologists. If youre not anxious your depressed because you have been or will be anxious and if your not depressed its because youre anxious. At the moment I am neither but can feel each could come on and I am not yet equipped to tackle them confidently and hope that counselling will be able to help me with this.
Although panic attacks, panic disorder or anxiety can seem like a bleak never ending journey, I am more than confident that it will and has to end.
I write that with a smile on my face because I may not have 'come out of the other side' yet but I am still smiling and that goes to show panic disorder will not take over my life without a fight.
My mother and father were on holiday in Turkey and I was on my way back from University as my seminar had been cancelled. I used to find it particulary uncomfortable travelling on public transport but could usually control my anxiety so that it did not result in a panic attack.
I was walking through the city centre towards the bus station when I started to panic about the size of the crowds and remember saying to myself "oh my god there's loads of people here" I dont know why this panicked me, but I began to walk faster. I got to 'Next' and felt the need to run into the female toilets as I felt breathless and panicky. When I got there a wave of panic swept over me and I was literally jumping up and down to release all of the adrenaline I had. I started thinking to myself that I was so panicked I would not be able to get myself out of the bathroom, out of the city centre or even onto a bus and that I was 'stuck' there. Although it seems daft as I sit here in my own home, it was the scariest moment of my life and the thought that my fiance was 200 miles away at his army barraks and my mum and dad were out of the country, scared the absolute life out of me.
In the end I rang 999 crying uncontrollably because I was convinced they were the only people that could help me. They alerted the staff and a kind lady came into the bathroom to talk to me. After half an hour an ambuance man arrived who took my heart rate and tested my breathing to asses whether i was having a panic attack. I told him how i felt and he flatly told me that there was nothing he could give me and that i was the only person who could get myself home as he wasnt a taxi service. As you can imagine this was very traumatic and after giving me the once over in the hospital and telling me the psychiatic nurse 'wasnt there' I reluctantly paid £35 to get a taxi home.
I thought that this would be the end of my day from hell but that night I began to panic again. This time I was acting very strangely. Alone in the house I started to pull out of my hair in pieces and took my clothes off (yes my clothes!) because they were irritating me. I rang my bestfriend who promptly came round to calm me down. She told me she had felt like this and that it was just a big panic attack. This helped me a little because I knew it would have to subside or end at some point. I also rang my mum& dad in Turkey... big mistake.
Although they are very supportive, they began to panic themselves and told me that if i did not calm down they would ring somebody to come round and admit me to a mental health ward. I think this was the most trumatic moment because even though I was the most lost and vulnerable I have ever felt, I also felt alone like I was the only crazy person going and that nobody could help me. The next few days are a blur of which I spent in my mum&dad's bed trembling and crying.
From then on I have come on leaps& bounds. I may not get the bus but I certainly travel and attended my seminars at university, food shopping trips, began doing my driving lessons and started to rent my own house from which I am writihng at the moment. Why the treatment then you ask?
I believe that anxiety and depression are a cycle as suggested by leading psychologists. If youre not anxious your depressed because you have been or will be anxious and if your not depressed its because youre anxious. At the moment I am neither but can feel each could come on and I am not yet equipped to tackle them confidently and hope that counselling will be able to help me with this.
Although panic attacks, panic disorder or anxiety can seem like a bleak never ending journey, I am more than confident that it will and has to end.
I write that with a smile on my face because I may not have 'come out of the other side' yet but I am still smiling and that goes to show panic disorder will not take over my life without a fight.
As a last point to think about when reflecting on your own experiences and circumstance, here is a short inspirational extract from William Ernest Henley's poem Invictus which helps me to remember that I control my life and the panic disorder does not control me.
"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul"
I am the captain of my soul"
Goodnight x
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